Grandmom

My great grandmother died in 1997 and I think about her a lot. She was a powerful force; a huge family presence. Long before Tyler Perry’s portrayal of the black family with the strong sassy grandmother, Grandmom Wedders played this role for my family. She was equal parts fun and fearsome. I learned about bumping and grinding from grandmom, who tore it up in Harlem during the renaissance and then tore it up in my kitchen much to my mortification decades and decades later. My brother, who was a holy terror as a child, helped grandmom teach us about the switch. To this day I laugh and cower when a black comedian makes a joke about being forced first to find a switch and then have it administered on them. What a punishment! She was my mom’s grandmother, but everyone called her grandmom; my dad, my dad’s friends, my friends. I’m pretty sure even the mailman called her grandmom. From my child’s eyes it was hard to imagine her in any other role. She was quintessential.

I think about her, because she had a saying for absolutely everything. To try and capture it in one blog is overwhelming and would certainly not do her justice. I feel like my family should have been better about capturing her stories and sayings. I realize as I get ready to post this that I don’t even have one electronic picture of my grandmother. I’m going to dig for a hard copy and scan it in eventually.

This morning, as my neck bristled at a bubbly newscaster’s cheerful exclamation of a boost in jobs for March, there’s one saying that grandmom had that I have used for a plethora of life occasions. It is repeating over and over again in my head this morning as I scan job postings, trying to squeeze my experience into them like a chubby lady tries to squeeze into a pair of pumps.

“Child, it’s like the monkey said to the elephant, if it don’t fit, don’t force it.”

I now look at every job listing in DC. From Director to internships. From dreadful government jobs to the dreaded fund raising jobs I scan and pray that I can find something for which to send in my resume. I’ve applied for land jobs and GBV jobs; development jobs and humanitarian jobs; human rights jobs and advocacy jobs; Africa jobs and Middle East jobs. Twice today I received job postings from eager and generous friends that were for jobs not even located in DC.

So far, since January, I have re-written my resume 37 times. Each time, my understanding of what I actually did gives way a little bit more to what I think a job might want me to do. Because I’ve had a lot of experience, I can squeeze into a lot of these job descriptions. But I know I must be pushing it, because each time I press send, I say a little hail Mary (despite not being Catholic) and add a “hey you never know” NY lotto philosophy (despite knowing the lottery odds are not with me.)

This morning when I woke up I boldly declared that I would apply for 10 jobs today. I’m feeling like I need to carpet bomb the job market, smoke those jobs out of their holes. Eeesh. Thankfully, although she is no longer here, grandmom’s sayings are forever ensconced in me. Like an internal alarm, “if it don’t fit don’t force it” started repeating in my head, giving me pause. What if I’ve watered down my precious experience to little dribs and drabs of nothing really at all? What if when I’ve been interviewing, my experience doesn’t sound nearly as great as my friends and family keep telling me, but sounds instead like I’m posing as something I’m not? Bullshitting and hedging my bets must be a part of the job search, but have I gone too far?

If grandmom was here, she’d think I was nuts. Her support and love for us was uncompromising and there was no nuancing this. She’d heap a load of praise on me and have me feeling like I was the most special person in the world. Perhaps that’s the only pep talk I need.